surrender

Some days I just want to freaking give up.  I’m so damn sick of asking, negotiating, yelling, screaming, slamming things around.  I’m sick of wondering if I’m scarring my kids for life for asking them, seriously, WHAT DID YOU THINK YOU WERE GOING TO ACCOMPLISH BY PUTTING YOUR HAND IN A DIRTY TOILET?????  I know you’re never, ever supposed to tell your child that she’s stupid, but really?  Six and a half years old, and you think its funny to spread your bum cheeks and make farting noises in your sister’s face?  You think its cool to not let me finish a sentence?  Ever?  My kids are incredibly intelligent…but sometimes, their actions?  Stoo.Pid. 

I’m all for positive parenting.  I do my best, most of the time.   But some days they gang up and get the better of me.  Nothing comes easily.  NOTHING comes free for the asking.  It wears me down, wears me out, and then I just have to walk away.  Cook your own supper.  Do your own stupid bath.  Get your own shit together for school in the morning, because you know what?  You don’t care or appreciate if I do it, so why should I bother.

It’s childish, of course.  And within moments I’m feeling terrible.  Within moments I’m thinking of all the other mothers who seem to do it so much better than I do.  The women whose children either never act up, or the ones who can see the humour in it when they do, or the ones who don’t mind poking fun at their kids, or at least their situation.  How can other mothers seem to have this thing figured out, while I have to fight tooth and nail against the overwhelming urge to jab my forearm with an intravenous drip of vodka and cranberry juice?

My kids are so good, most of the time.  So when they act up (uhhhh, when they act like kids maybe?) I don’t know how to handle it.  I want to let them be themselves, but on some days they seem to find a way to push it too far.  They take my good graces and stretch that inch into a kilometre or ten.  And then I yell, and then I walk away, and then (often) I cry with guilt over the whole ridiculous shit.

Some days, today, this is my Motherhood.

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One Response to surrender

  1. Whoa! I’ve been through that same emotional roller coaster 1,000 or more times. I totally understand. I’ve felt guilty about something or other since the day I gave birth to my daughter. 🙂 …and that was almost 20 years ago!

    When I first started reading this, I could have sworn that I was just reading another email from my sister. She has a 6 year old and an almost 4 year old. I’m going to send her a link to this blog. She’ll CRACK up!

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