this is harder than I thought it would be

But then, aren’t most things?

I’ve been reading a lot of blogs lately. Fine, well-crafted works from (mostly) women with incredible skills for twisting and turning the English language into stories that are almost poetry, really, but mostly stories. And I wanted to be one of them. All my thoughts were coming out in the form of potential blog posts. I wouldn’t care if nobody read it…it would be for me, maybe for my children one day, and if, by chance, someone stumbled upon it, and if, by chance that body found something entertaining, or useful or interesting about it, well, that would just be icing on my little cupcake.

But here’s the rub: I wanted to have a secret blog, a private blog, as in private from my family. If I shared stories about them (well-protected behind pseudonyms, of course), I didn’t want them to stumble on them. I wanted to joke about the eccentricities of my husband, or my parents; I wanted to have a place to vent where nobody could possibly get hurt. Which means that nobody in my real life could or would be invited to come here.

That might be possible, except that I don’t have a laptop. My pc is right here in the family room, where I want it so that when my kids get older and start surfing the net, I can be there, wandering innocently past, glancing at the screen, keeping them honest. It’s pretty hard to sneak onto WordPress and write secret almost-poetry (on the best of days) with two kids and a husband wandering innocently past, glancing at the screen, asking whatcha doin’ mommy?, why are you writing a blog, dear? what does it say about me, honey?

I seriously thought about buying a netbook. It seemed ideal (and a fun new toy for me). I would slip up to my bedroom in the evening, on the pretense of surfing the web, catching up on my favourite blogs, but instead I’d be crafting my own blog entries – muahhh-ha-ha-ha-ha, a diabolical plan. Ya, not so much. I can’t even sneak up there to read a book for 15 minutes before I fall asleep; how could I justify a new addiction to wireless internet?

I still think in terms of potential blog posts, though, and I still hope to come here from time to time. My reasons for being here haven’t changed, but the reality of my life has set in and I need to find a way to reconcile those two things before I can commit to this thing that claims to be only temporary, and maybe was.

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